HOW TO MAKE: FLUFFYRUFFS

For those of you who are well educated in the game of alternative names for food, you won't need telling what I'm about to guide you into (think Brian Butterfield and Herp-Derp). For those of you less acquainted with such, I suggest that you get on to google sharpish. 

So as promised, I'm going to feebly but with best intentions to provide a step-by-step guide for another recipe. This one's got pictures, you lucky buggers. 

Here's what you'll need. 

White bread,

Happy eggs (even though we're skint, we just can't bring ourselves to fund non-happy non-free-range chickieeggs),

Smoked back bacon,

Goats cheese (ours is somewhat unspecified)

Splash of milk,

Pinch of salt and pepper,

Drop of oil.

Of course, we had to go out and buy all of these ingredients because we're bad at life and don't stock basics, and we were too lazy to go to a supermarket or somewhere that you can buy all o'this for a reasonable price. We spent £3 on OJ - obscene. It did, however, mean that we could just nip over the road wearing pajama bottoms and no make-up which we all secretly love doing. As most of the stuff we have here is considered to be a basic household essential, this meal is incredibly cheap to make and tastes as though heaven were fried in the liquid manifestation of Cher's voice. Pretty good, I'm sure you'll agree.

Anyway, here's what to do.

Crack two eggs into a bowl and try not to get any shell in it. A way that I've managed to teach myself to do it is one big hit on the side of the bowl, rather than loads of light hits. I know a piece of information like this is slightly absurd, but it's crucial and I've only recently learnt it. Anyway, into the eggs, pour a splash of milk, crack some pepper and add a pinch of salt.

Then just go a bit mental with a fork, or a whisk if you've got one. I don't have one, so fork it is.

Meanwhile, stick the hob on and put some bacon in a pan. I would suggest washing your hands before and after playing with raw meat to prevent that tiny little thing called Salmonella. I know we're all skanks here, but even we have limits. Food poisoning ain't fun. So yeah, you could use tongs or a spatula or a fork or whatever else you've got, but we've got hands.

While your bacon is sizzlin' away, dip your bread into the eggy mixture. There should be about enough mixture for two slices of bread, so if you're feeling fat and you've got a massive frying pan, double up!

Put some oil in the pan and let it get warm, but not so hot it gets all angry and it's actually scary to be around. Nobody likes that.

While the bread is frying, whip out the unspecified goats cheese. Obviously, you could use any type of cheese really. It just depends on how refined your pallett is. Clearly ours is quite top notch dahling, hence goats cheese. It doesn't taste like soap, feet or udders, it's actually just pretty lush. I'd take this opportunity to flip the bacon as well, don't wanna forget about those delicious strips of heaven.

Once you've turned your cheese into cheesegravel and you've flipped your bread, sprinkle the gravel on top so it starts getting all melty and nice.

By this point, your bacon should be pretty cooked and ready for the munchin'. Take the bread off and shove it on a plate and then pile the bacon on top like a glorious mountain.

Enjoy with a brew and a blob of ketchup 'cause, let's face it, any egg and cheese product screams the need for ketchup.

If you make this, let me know how it goes. And by what other name(s) it goes by.

Stay Classy 5eva.