YAKISORTA

WHY HELLO THERE

We've been gone a long while for a number of reasons but WHO CARES, we're back now! 

Our first recipe to get your tastebuds tingling (not sure if this is in a good way at all...) is our version of a popular dish entitled 'Yaki Soba'. You can find Yaki Soba in Wagamama but why would you wanna go to Wagamama and ~sit next to people you don't know~ when you can just make a low rent version of it yourself at home. However, since it's not *quite* the same, just sorta the same, it's Yakisorta.

Things you will need for this dish are:

GREEN UTENSILS

A FREEZER

SHAKESPEARE FRIDGE MAGNETS

INADEQUATE PANS

NOODLES OF SOME SORT, WHO CARES

QUORN

FROZEN PEPPER SELECTION

FROZEN MUSHROOMS

GINGER

I CAN'T REMEMBER WHAT ELSE, SEE PICS. 

So, the first thing you need to do is get a red onion and cut it in half and try not to rein-act that Sylvia Plath poem. It's also important to make sure the knife you uses matches the onion, cause when this happens the onion loves you more and thus tastes nicer. 

Take out the gross core bit cause ain't nobody got time for that. 

Slice!

In this here lil pan you should pour approx 100ml (We don't know how much that is so we put like half the bottle in) of light soy sauce and then a lil splash of dark soy sauce and then a pinch of sugar cause why not

Then get a frying pan and put oil in it. You can use fancy oil if you want or like coconut oil if you're scared of transfat or whatever but cause of $$$ we got the cheapest. 

When it's got hot you can put your gorgeous onion slices in. At this point you should hear them singing for you cause of the matching knife. They will now try really hard to please you, so always make sure your knife matches. 

People will try and convince you that the correct way to pronounce this type of vegetable is with a French accent but THEY ARE WRONG. The correct way to pronounce it is 'mange' as in 'OH SHIT, THINK MY CAT'S GOT THE MANGE, BETTER POP DOWN T'VETS' and 'toot' like in that incredible piece of art, OMG by Jenna Rose

Please remove your manges from the packaging and hold them in your hand as shown here: 

If you do this, they will grow to trust you and then try really hard to be delicious for you. It's a similar theory to the onion theory. It's a real fact. Swear. 

Sample the toot, just to make sure it's performing at its best. Then open your freezer. 

I really like freezers. You can keep all kindsa shit in them. This particular freezer ought to be the envy of others as it has Shakespearean word magnets on it, so that means it's totes cultured and has read his full body of work. 

Next, pour your Quorn chickeny bits into the onion pan. I really think you should all just have these all the time cause they're CHEAP and HEALTHY and ABSORB FLAVOUR and you can COOK THEM FROM FROZEN IN LIKE 10 MINUTES. These are very important facts.

Stir your sauce. V. important. Dunno why. Then once the chickeny bits have cooked for a couple mins pour the sauce into the frying man so they absorb their soy'y goodness.

Get your noodles out the packet and try and put them in a pan without spilling them everywhere. We opted for rice noodles but you should probably use egg noodles. Then put the kettle on to boil. 

Pour the boiling water into the pan of noodles but don't turn it on yet. Like, don't put it on the hob. 

Next get your frozen veg and shove 'em in the same pan as the rest of the shit. And then put your mange toot in there too.  

(oooh yeaaahhh just look at those ice cold vegetables, frostier than your ex's heart)

Stir it all around while you cook the noodles. Rice noodles take like 3 mins or something ridiculous like that so that's all good. 

Make sure you have chopsticks ready so you can feel totes fancy. We got these ones from Tiger for like £2 or something. HOW NICE are they tho? 

Once the noodles have cooked, drain 'em off and put them back in their original pan. Try not to overcook them else they'll go mushy (we overcooked them). 

Then pour the other shit into the same pan as the noodles and stir it all around. 

Then crack two eggs into the mixture and on a low heat (as if that were achievable on these shit hot plates) stir the egg into the shit till it's cooked. 

Divide the mixture into bowls, and crack open some sushi ginger. Also any form of pickled ginger works. Highly recommend stealing the little sachets from Itsu cause they last for ages.

Then for added protein and yum factor, sprinkle on some seeds and HEY PRESTO, it's done. Whatya got here is a noodle spectacular.

Mmm yeah, how nice does that look. SO NICE. SO WELL VERY NICE.

CHOW DOWN